How to eat a watermelon

Let me correct myself. The title of this post should be, “how to eat a 14 pound watermelon.” Actually, maybe I should have called it, “how to eat a 14 pound watermelon without spending the whole night peeing” Such is my life, I was hungry and with fat out of the picture and trying not […]

Lunch with TMZ’s Harvey Levin

I didn’t really have lunch with Harvey Levin from TMZ. I just had an interesting conversation with him today regarding Ben Roethlisberger’s religion. You see, I wanted to let Harvey know that Ben Roethlisberger was in no way Jewish. Harvey then asked me if he was Polish. I replied that I didn’t know, and that […]

You think I am Charlie?

Dear Eddie Murphy. I am sorry. If you’re getting a Google alert please accept my apology and if you happen to be a publicist, please forward my message to Eddie. This is what happened: I had a rough day today after going to the dentist and getting 5 cavities drilled. Shorty went out for dinner, […]

Patti Stanger on Oprah

As I was shoveling some pasta and red sauce in my face while walking through the living room Shorty stopped me. “Want to watch some TV” She asked, and before I could reply yes or no, she said with excitement that, “this was when the drama happened.” I looked confused as I was trying to […]

Kiss My Bundt

I ate 4 cakes yesterday. 4 Bundt cakes to be exact. See, I think that Shorty secretly wants me dead. Here is my proof. I wanted to celebrate my birthday by eating meat. Shorty found some famous steak house that supposedly Abraham Lincoln went to. Now, forget the fact that this place was founded in […]

Man’s Best Friend

I want to marry my dog. There, I said it. Now, I want to explain why. I’m not gonna go into the whole cliche, “unconditional love” thing. Yeah, my dog loves me no matter what, but he can also be a pain in the ass sometimes like when he poops on top of the stairs […]

I Belong to Who?

I was on the phone with my Shorty and she was upset. She really started going off on the things I was saying. Seriously, she doesn’t get my humor and it sucks. Upstairs in my office on a Tuesday night I get to watch Law and Order and don’t have to watch the same shows […]