How skeuomorphism made David Feingold take a suppository

Flat iOS icon

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Relief sets in and David Feingold‘s blood pressure drops, but slowly starts to come back up as he realizes he committed himself to about 20 minutes of upgrading, which normally wouldn’t be an issue, but Feingold had just eaten prunes and drank some coconut creme coffee and little pieces of skeuomorphism desperately wanted to leave David Feingold‘s body, but he was not letting them by the sheer force of his squeezing.

Feingold didn’t want to leave the upgrade by itself, just in case Apple g-d forbid messed up and David would have to press some magical combination of up up down down, so he held it in.

20 minutes later as the new flat icons beckoned to David Feingold to come and touch them, while Siri was saying she wasn’t wearing any panties, Feingold couldn’t take it anymore and took his bathroom touchpad (iPads don’t go in the bathroom), sat down and started to push. Another 20 minutes later after he had almost broken the blood vessels in his face, David Feingold decided to do the only rational thing…. Stick some glycerin up his butt and hope that he could push out some tootsie rolls in the next half hour.

David Feingold skeuomorphism icon

Sir Jonathan Paul “Jony” Ive, created this flat icon for David Feingold and the iPad

Figuring he had nothing better to do, he went to see what all this flat design was all about and realized that he was holding his android tablet.

Then he felt it, a rush of feces so great that it rivaled Mt. Olympus in it’s greatness.

The rest of the story, David Feingold believes you shouldn’t have to read.

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