Yesterday I got hit by a garbage truck as I was parking my car in Beverly Hills on my way to the dentist.
Yes, I know, Fat Jewish Guy has a dentist in Beverly Hills, but that does not mean that I am better than you.
The fact that I am awesome means that I am better than you.
Anyway, I had parked my car, the door was open and my feet were on the ground when all of a sudden a garbage truck or a street sweeper barreled past me and hit my car door completely destroying it.
Thankfully, it didn’t tear the door off the hinges and since I was wearing flip flops I decided it was best not to run down the street chasing after it.
I went into my dentist, sat down in the chair and enjoyed my laughing gas as I got my teeth cleaned.
Maybe quitting smoking has it’s benefits?
Anyway, after she was done, I left and then realized that I should probably report this to the police since it was a hit and run and my insurance company would ask me if I reported it.
I get into my car and drive to the Beverly Hills Police Department.
Now, please remember that being from Philadelphia, I assumed that I was going to see the Police Department from Beverly Hills Cop Two, but in reality, that isn’t what it looked like.
I walked in and there was a window made of bullet proof glass with a clean cut Taggert looking fellow sitting behind the desk.
He asked me if he could help me and I told him that I needed to report a hit and run.
Now, please understand, I was wearing Bermuda Shorts, a PUCK FOLITICS t-shirt, flip flops, was unshaven and also probably still a little high from the laughing gas. (In other words, I was either homeless or a billionaire producer)
So, the officer kindly explained to me that he was finishing up his shift and if I wouldn’t mind waiting a few minutes the next cop would take my statement, of course I said ok because why would I want to make trouble and sure enough in 5 minutes the new officer came over and asked me if he could help.
I told him what happened and started filing the report.
Anyway, here is where I started to think.
As part of the routine filing of a hit and run, the officer asked me for my drivers license.
I gave it to him no problem.
Then he asked me for my registration.
I gave it to him.
Then he asked for my insurance.
I gave it to him.
Now, I can only assume that had my car not been registered, or if I had a suspended license that I would not have walked into the Police Department and filed a hit and run claim.
But, since everything was on the up and up I felt perfectly comfortable giving the guy my paperwork.
Now, let’s assume that I was driving illegally, I can once again only assume that if I was willing to turn myself in for driving without a license I would have still been able to file the police report, I just would have had to live with the consequences.
How does this make Mexicans better than me?
Well, there is a new law in Arizona that compels police officers to “check your papers” if they think you are illegal.
I have no problem with that.
I mean, they just “checked my papers” yesterday and all I wanted to do was file a police report.
I had no problem with it.
As I walked out of the police station I bumped into one of the hottest Asian girls I have ever seen in my life.
Honestly, sometimes I forget how much I like Asian Chicks.
I help the door open for her and as she walked by me her breast grazed against my t-shirt, you would think that I would “get excited” and I almost did, except for the fact that I got a whiff of her breath or sweat or something and there was the unmistakable smell of seaweed.
It threw me for a second how strong and how very Asian she smelled and then after she was gone I had an epiphany.
Forget the “papers’
Forget “racial profiling”
We should “profile by smell”
Here is what I mean.
It is a well known fact that when someone eats pineapple their semen tastes sweeter.
(Ok it is not a well known fact to men, but I have been told this by women and also have read it in magazines)
It is also a well known fact that Indian people smell like curry, Asians smell like seaweed and Arabs smell like farts.
What I propose is a government conspiracy.
We need Doritos or some other American food company to come out with a snack food that will have a synthetic “smell marker” attached it it.
Then they will sell that snack food only in Mexico.
Then they can set up scanning machines that look for certain “smell markers” or even train dogs to sniff out that specific profile.
Now, just having the dog itself smell out the “profile” will not prove that the person is illegal, (just like the fact that my semen is sweet does not mean that I necessarily ate pineapple) BUT it will prove that the person has been to Mexico in the past 5 years or so.
So, I am proposing that the United States government with the help of Doritos, “poison” Mexican Foreign National on their home soil so that we can effectively “smell tag” then in case they enter this country illegally.
I cannot believe that I actually solved the immigration problem.
All it took was a trash truck to hit me.
I am so glad I didn’t hit my head!