All I wanted to do was play some basketball.
Believe it or not, at some point, I actually lead an active lifestyle.
My mother wanted the best for me, as did the rest of the parents in the neighborhood and because of the love they had for their children, they taught me that discrimination is OK.
If you watch Desperate Housewives on television, then you know what suburban America looks like, real hot housewives all cheating with real hot Latin gardeners.
Well, where I grew up, imagine if Terri Hatcher looked like Susie Essman and Eva Longoria looked like Roseanne Barr.
Being that I went to Jewish private school, all the kids I knew were nerdy Jonah Hill types and my mom and the other desperate Yentas in the neighborhood enrolled me in the Jewish Basketball League.
The point of the league was not only to play basketball, but also to socialize with other nerdy Jewish kids and give our parents time to go cheat on each other with Latin gardeners.
The point was not to actually make us GOOD at basketball.
It was just a good fun social experience.
Anyway, it costs 50 bucks or so to join and we got t shirts with the name of the local Jewish deli on them, we rented out gyms and even had referees.
The league had everything anyone could ever want in an amateur sports league except for good players. (because we were all nerdy Jews)
I played for that league for 4 years, and then one day things started to happen.
Word got around town that there was an organized league that played in real gyms with real referees and real trophies, so at some point a few black kids asked to join the league.
I think they were refused, not because they were black, but because they weren’t Jewish, and the organizers of the league tried to explain to them that this wasn’t really about basketball, but somehow it was about stopping another holocaust. (not a joke, in the twisted logic of Jews, they believed that if we were friends with Jews, then we will marry Jewish and thus have Jewish kids therefore repopulating the earth)
So, the black kids got a lawyer, and they won the case based on something about public money.
Now the league was forced to accept them.
So we did.
Believe me when I tell you that I did not notice that these kids were any different than me besides the fact that they could REALLY PLAY basketball.
Seriously, I am not being sarcastic when I say that while me and the nerdy Jewish kids were trying to figure out what a layup was, we were being schooled by kids who actually knew how to play.
At some point, this became not fun anymore.
Remember, I was 16, and you must believe me when I tell you that when I complained to my mother, I said to her, “mom I hate it that I don’t get the ball anymore, that coach doesn’t give me the last shot, or that our team no longer has gone undefeated.”
What I did NOT say to her was, “I can’t believe there are black kids playing with me.”
So, what inevitably happened was that the Jewish kids stopped playing in the league, the local deli stopped sponsoring the t shirts, and after a year or so it fell apart due to lack of organization.
Sure, from an outside perspective one can say that we would rather see the league fall apart rather than play with black people, but when you know the true story, what really happened was that we created a fake league that wasn’t really about basketball so our parents could have some free time and we would grow up with self esteem and when we found out we couldn’t fix the game anymore to always win, we just stopped playing.
What is my point?
Nothing really, except for the fact that there is a lesbian girl who went to a fake prom a few days ago.
While I am not defending people discriminating against gay people, I am defending the right of people to hang out with who they want for whatever reason.
There was a prom held.
It was attended by the principal, teachers, a few retarded kids and the lesbian couple.
There was also a private prom held.
She was not invited.
When I was a kid that was not called discrimination against lesbians.
That was called, “discrimination against the girl who dresses like a boy and is weird.”
When I did stand-up comedy in San Diego, there were the the comics who were in the “cliq” and the comics who weren’t.
I remember one night, this lady was on the open mike list in the last spot, she had brought an audience and had prepared forever to go up on stage to do her 3 minute routine, all of a sudden this girl shows up that the bouncer was trying to have sex with, she asked him if she could get stage time and he said sure, bumping the other girl from her spot.
By the time the girl got off the stage there was no more time for the original comic to perform.
That was not a discrimination against “bad open mike comedy”, it was an endorsement of “random sex in the alley with horny female comics.”
That’s called life.
People need to stop whining, stop going on TV and complaining and realize that kids will be kids.
Do you have any idea what goes on at a prom?
Very awkward fashion and dancing.
Lot’s of underage drinking and drug use.
If you were 17 do you really need a media frenzy while you are trying to spike the punch with vodka and get a blow job for points from your prom dates best friend behind the stage before you go to a hotel and take your dates virginity and then film yourself having anal sex with her and posting it on facebook after smoking a joint and doing crystal meth?
So to sum up.
I can’t play basketball.
I do like black people.
I LOVE lesbian teenagers.
But we all need to start getting a grip.