What is Facebook For?

The obvious answer is to look at girls.

But, I don’t think that is the reason why my mother has facebook, so now I need to rethink this for a second.

Let’s look at the way I use facebook and maybe this will shed some light on the subject.

I started using facebook around 3-4 years ago because as I was doing comedy, I wanted to branch out and market myself to more than just MySpace.

MySpace had become over saturated and Facebook seemed fresh and new and as I used to say while doing stand-up, “Facebook is like MySpace….But for White People”

Remember, this was only about 3 years ago.

Facebook was a closed system that you had to be in college to have, most people my age didn’t have a .edu email address so they were shut out of the cool features.

Anyway, I joined facebook and even though I didn’t necessarily know everyone that I was friends with, at least I had met them somewhere recent because due to the culture of Facebook, they would not have accepted my friend request otherwise.

At some point, EVERYONE started using facebook and the whole 6 degrees of separation thing kicked in.

So, when I saw that Joey (made up name) was friends with Suzy (made up name) who I went to 6th grade with, nostalgia kicked in and I sent a friend request to Suzy.

Now, I have no idea how other people use facebook, BUT, I only sent out the friend request to Suzy so I could see if she was hot. (remember, facebook used to be private)

So, now I am friends with Suzy on facebook and all of Suzy’s friends get a wall post that say “Suzy is friends with David.”

Now, all of Suzy’s friends who I haven’t spoken to since 8th grade want to see if I am still hot, so they friend request me.


Facebook connected all of us.

Woo Hoo!

Here is the issue.

First of all, these girls did not age well.

Second of all, there is a reason why people lose touch, (men or women).

Most important, everyone seems to think that they are witty.

Let me explain.

I am not talking about the person who uploads pictures of wine every so often.

I can understand that. (on some level)

I am talking about the people who post things like:

Sunny Day Out… Gonna Do Laundry … FML.

Should I eat Chicken or Pasta Tonight?

RIP Corey Haim

Pride can stand a thousand trials, the strong will never fall, but watching stars without you, my soul cries

needs to hit the hay…. I gots kids to watch in the early A.M.

i have the munchies… and this is going to sound REALLY weird but im craving SWEETS. Ew!! whats happening to me?!?!

It has been almost 4 years and I seem to miss you these past few months more than ever.

I am in a great mood, strong, capable and ready

If you provoke God to move, then you better watch out!

What do these things even mean?

See, here is the deal.

Let’s pretend that we are at a high-school reunion and I haven’t seen you in 20 years.

It would be completely acceptable for you to tell me that you have a kid and you are into wine collecting, in fact, I will probably look at your pictures and have a good time.

What makes you think that I want to hear you talk about ANY of  the above status updates?

I don’t.

There is one exception to all of this of course.

That is if you are a really hot girl and I am trying to get some action.

At that point, I will listen to you ramble about nothing for as long as it takes for me to get you naked.

In the case of Facebook, I already got to see you “naked.” (you befriended me thereby giving me access to your pictures)

Anyway, my point is, if I ever really have a point is that I still don’t understand what facebook is for.

I have hidden 95% of people’s feeds, so I only see a select few status updates.

This means that I am only actively engaging with 15 people at the most.

The people from High school I didn’t talk to for 20 years?

I still don’t talk to them.

The hot girl I met and “friended”

I hid her feed cause she is annoying.

I also suspect that people are doing the same thing as me.

Anyway, I want to thank you facebook because you definitely answered my question of ,

“Gee I wonder if Suzy from grade school is Hot?”


“Gee I wonder if Joey from grade school  is successful?”


“Gee I wonder if college girls are getting sluttier?”


Facebook Girls

Facebook Girls

%d bloggers like this: