I accidentally got a Faux Hawk today.
I also realized that there are no fat metrosexuals.
Let me explain.
Waking up today was hard due to the fact that I was up late working on super secret stuff last night. (I will not confirm nor deny that I am perfecting flubber)
So, it was a bit after twelve when I rolled out of bed.
After eating all those PopChips last night I decided that I would take Oprah’s advice and work out first thing in the morning.
So, I put on my shoes, put the leash on pretzel and went for a two mile walk down Ventura Blvd in Studio City.
I decided that since it was Passover next week I would honor my roots and walk East.
The first half was uneventful, I spoke with my mother on the phone, I got some coffee, pretzel pooped twice, and I generally enjoyed the sunshine and the fact that my blood was actually circulating.
On the way back, I see through a glass window these two really hot girls hanging out in the front of the Max Eli Style Lounge.
I was still delusional from the night before thinking that I was as irresistible as George Clooney and I popped my head in to get a better look at these girls.
“How much for a men’s haircut?”
I asked as I stared at their boobs.
One of the girls replied well, it starts at 35 dollars and I started explaining how I needed a change from the haircut that I had for the past 20 years.
The whole point of this was to look at girls.
Then they said to me.
Well, we have some time, would you like to come in?
I was like, hmmm ok.
They told me pretzel was welcome to come in and I stepped into the “Style Lounge.”
As soon as I walked in and committed, they said to me, we want you to meet Oscar, he will be your stylist today.
What am I gonna say?
I wanted you to be the one to cut my hair cause you look slutty?
I took one look at this guy Oscar and realized a few things.
1) He was gonna be really good.
2) He was probably banging these hot girls.
He was dressed in all black, had spiky hair, and some kind of piercing.
I on the other hand was wearing shorts and an Obama’s Nut’s Shirt with New Balance sneakers.
So, he puts me in the chair for my “consultation.”
I told him that I didn’t care.
Then he takes me in the back to get my hair shampooed.
This is where the Max Eli Style Lounge beats the hell out of any cheap Asian place I normally go to.
The shampoo chair was a massage chair.
Then as he is putting in the shampoo, he tells me that I get a scalp massage.
At that point I really wanted the girls to come back.
Here is what I looked like.
A fat guy holding his toy wiener dog while sitting in a “style lounge” getting his head massaged by a “stylist.”
Damn it, I should have kept walking.
After a good 15 minutes of scalp massage, I realized that a guy probably has stronger hands than a girl and since there was no semen involved, I was actually kind of relaxed, even though we both had penises.
Then we go back to the main room where he starts cutting my hair.
First the makeup lady comes by and introduces herself.
She tells me that she is really good at doing eyebrows if I wanted a cleanup.
What the f@ck?
First of all, I am not getting my eyebrows done.
Even if I need my eyebrows done I wasn’t getting them done because I am assuming that it hurts.
Second, how passive aggressive is that?
If they do that to women then I understand why there are anorexics in Los Angeles.
“Miss, I am the diet consultant at the salon, If you want me to tell you how to lose some of that baby fat just let me know, I’ll be right over there.”
That lady was evil.
Now Oscar started to cut my hair.
I have ADD and he didn’t have clippers.
After 5 minutes I wanted to leave, but he was convincing me that I was gonna look good.
45 minutes later he was done cutting.
Now, most of the time, I just tell the barber not to bother putting gel in my hair because I will be going home and taking a shower to get all the small bits of hair out of my scalp.
BUT, as I was trying to leave, I was told to go back to the sink room to get my hair washed again.
What an amazing idea.
In 32 years no-one has ever thought to wash my hair AFTER I get it cut.
So, then I am led back into the main room and he blow dries my hair as he puts some pomade (wax) into it.
Then I put on my glasses and look at it.
I have a Faux Hawk.
I was like, ok, I look good I guess, how do I do this in the morning.
He started to explain that, “as I am drying my hair I should put the product in.”
I started to ask him what he meant by, “as you are drying your hair” and my suspicions were confirmed that he thought I was actually going to use a hairdryer.
I will say this in all seriousness.
Oscar Ortiz is the best Hair Stylist in Studio City.
At the very least he has the most patience, because I definitely was not easy to deal with.
Also, if you are a guy and are used to spending 15 bucks for a haircut, DEFINITELY go to the Max Eli Style Lounge.
For an extra 20 bucks you get to look at hot girls, get a scalp massage (true by a dude) and maybe if your lucky a trendy Faux Hawk haircut.
Walking home I looked at myself in the reflections of the various storefront windows.
I looked like a fat Bekham.
But, that’s when I realized.
You cannot be fat and metrosexual.
That is called gay.
If you cared about your looks you wouldn’t be fat.
If I wanted to look like Oscar and wear black, date models and have a spiked hair cut, I probably need to not eat carbs and work out.
However, it is all part of the package.
You cannot pick and choose.
Oscar with spiked hair dressed in black and fat is Perez Hilton.
Skinny in shape men can be metro.
Fat guys cannot.
Take me as I am.
When I walked in the house, Shorty took one look at me and said, “you look younger, OMG did you get a Faux Hawk?”
Yes I did.
She said it looks so much better than what I normally get.
I started to soak it in.
“Yeah baby, I decided it was time for a change, next time I’m gonna do my eyebrows.”
Then I went to my room and watched a part of me die.
I can never go back to Philly.
I am officially LA.