Best Northern Liberties Real Estate Agents

If you are going to buy some real estate in Northern Liberties then contact Abe Haupt.

More on that in a second.

However, if you want to have freaky sex with a real estate agent or at least fantasize about them while they are showing you properties, you should consider some of these ladies.

First let me explain what I think makes a good real estate agent.

As you may or may not know, Shorty is thinking about buying a condo.

Now, being the supportive boyfriend I told her to do whatever she wanted and not to bother me until she found something she really likes and then I will take a look at it and make sure it is structurally sound.

Yup, somehow I convinced her that I know what the hell I am talking about regarding copper pipes, a strong foundation and other crap.

Well, I don’t.

But, I also know that she is gonna hire inspectors, so anything I say doesn’t really mean anything.

Also, if for some reason she does listen to my retarded reasoning about why copper pipes make a condo worth more money, that is her fault not mine.

Anyway, she has these two real estate agents that believe me when I tell you could be porn stars.

They are amazingly hot.

However, the fact that they are so hot might might blind me to the fact that they have taken over four months yet Shorty is still looking for a place.

Regardless, since I am trying to be Faux supportive and since I like where we live now, I sent an email to someone I haven’t spoken to since 1992 to ask him a question.

Yes, you read that right.

The last time me and him spoke these girls were just born.

Hot 18 year old girls

Hot 18 year old girls

Now, why did I decide to call the best real estate agent in Philadelphia out of the blue after 18 years?

The truth is, because Shorty is annoying.

I figured, if she bothered him and he stopped talking to me it would be no big loss.

Also, if for some reason he told her I was full of crap with my “structural engineering test” I could just tell her that I don’t really know him.

So, at 10:30 pm my time, (1:30am East coast time) my phone rings and good old Abe gets sucked in to the crazy world of Southern California real estate.

It was great talking with him though.

If it were me and I wasn’t making a commission or trying to get laid I would have hung up on myself after 15 minutes, but to his credit, Abe stayed on the phone for two hours talking about interest rates, property values, charts, graphs and g-d knows what.

That’s when I realized something.

Abe Haupt is the best real estate agent in Northern Liberties.

Actually, It’s pretty safe to say that Abe Haupt is the best real estate agent in Philadelphia. (or anywhere)

The man is passionate about houses.

There is only one problem.

I could not fantasize about having sex with him.

So, when I got off the phone, I started to look for “Hot Philadelphia Real Estate Agents.”

Unfortunately, I didn’t find too many.

I found this girl.(name edited)

Hot Philadelphia Real Estate Agents

Hot Philadelphia Real estate Agents

Now, notice she is nice to look at, and she definitely has potential. But, she also has the potential to have Shiksa butt and be a Super Pear Girl. But, if the body matches the face and she dresses slutty she could be fantasy material. However, i is possible that we would just have to think about her giving oral while we look at mundane condos with our girlfriends.

The only other agent in Philadelphia that I think is even remotely hot is this chick and she looks like Octomom.

Agent Octomom

Agent Octomom

But, she does have this picture which is kind of hot. (cause she is drunk)

Drunk Philly Girl

So, unfortunately if you happen to be shopping for real estate in Philadelphia, Northern Liberties, Fishtown or Montgomery County do not expect to have really hot agents. If you are looking for some mental stimulation, we suggest going to or looking for the hottest girls on twitter over at

BUT… If you want someone to find you the best property for the best price and listen to you while you talk about crap on he phone for no other reason than he cares, then call up Abe Haupt The Best Realtor in Northern Liberties, though not the sexiest.

***Quick disclaimer… I was not hired by Abe Haupt. In fact knowing him he would probably not like this post, but, like I said, It’s been 18 years. Also, the opinions on this blog are my own. they are protected free speech, humor and satire. The above agent in my opinion looks like octomom. She may be a really good real estate agent, and she probably does not have 8 kids, but she still looks like Octomom. As for the blonde agent. I have no idea if she can sell a house or not. I also do not know if she is fat or not.(or blonde) I do know that I would let her blow me. (If I were single)

Finally… do not take any advise from me regarding anything.

I am a fat Jewish guy.

I know what Gefilte fish is good and I know about copper pipes.

Follow me on twitter. @jewishcomedy

(The girl in this picture is Holly Sampson who allegedly banged Tiger Woods. See more pictures of Holly Sampson over at Daily Tush.

Holly Sampson

%d bloggers like this: