Yup I have the answer to this question.
All you have to do to drive women crazy in bed is keep getting up to pee every 5 minutes.
Trust me, I know.
See, the reason I haven’t written in the past week or so is that there has been way to much going on in the life of Fat Jewish Guy.
Last week, I went to the doctor and he told me that I had to lose weight or else.
He basically told me that it was not a joke any more. (wonder where he got that idea?)
So, I left his office with a prescription for a drug whose side effect is anorexia.
Yes, you heard that right.
Unfortunately, the other side effect of this drug is memory loss.
The doctor wants me on a pill whose side effects are:
decreased sweating; diarrhea; dizziness; dry mouth; loss of appetite; nausea; nervousness or anxiety; numbness or tingling of the skin; stomach pain or upset; taste changes; tiredness; trouble sleeping; weight loss; Difficulty with concentration/attention and difficulty with memory
You know what?
I LOVE IT!
Let’s go through these shall we?
decreased sweating – Does anyone really want to be a heavy sweater?
diarrhea – can you say “save money on laxatives?”
dizziness – It’s like being on a ride all the time!
loss of appetite – Love it!
nausea – Perfect !
nervousness or anxiety – Who wants to eat when your nervous? What will people think about me? Will they call me fat? Will they like me? Will they think I’m pretty?
numbness or tingling of the skin – Reminds me that I am alive!
stomach pain or upset – Once again, who wants to eat?
taste changes – Stopped drinking soda.
tiredness; trouble sleeping – These just cancel themselves out.
weight loss – Yeah!
Difficulty with concentration/attention and difficulty with memory – Ok this one is kind of bad … Wow look it’s so shiny!
It is dry mouth that spurred the title of this blog post and finally had me understand how to drive girls crazy in bed.
You see, when you have dry mouth you want to drink.
You are constantly drinking all day long.
Gallons and gallons of water and green tea. (I stopped drinking soda remember)
Seriously, I am drinking at least 2 gallons of liquid a day.
No matter how much I drink I cannot seem to quench my thirst because the pills have dried me worse than Nancy Pelosi’s vagina.
Anyway, since I am drinking right up to the point that I am gong to bed, I am also urinating for about an hour after I go to bed.
This means that about every 5 minutes, I roll over, wake Shorty up and when she says, “What?” I say to her, ” I have to pee.”
Then I get up and pee.
I repeat this about 7 or 8 times until all the liquid is out of my body and then I get a great night sleep.
Shorty in the other hand, well, let’s just say that if I were to be killed by her, she would probably convince a jury that it was not her fault.
Now, you may ask me why I don’t just stay up until I’m done peeing then get into bed?
That would make a lot of sense.
But, the doctor made me stupid remember?
Oh yeah, I almost forgot….There is a small possibility that I could have these side effects- (but who really gets these anyway?)
Severe allergic reactions (rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue); blood in the urine; blurred vision; bone pain; chest pain; confusion; decreased coordination; depression; double vision or other vision changes; eye pain; irregular heartbeat; loss of consciousness; memory problems; menstrual changes; mental or mood changes; muscle or joint pain, cramps, or weakness; rapid, shallow breathing; red, swollen, blistered, or peeling skin; ringing in the ears; severe or persistent loss of appetite; severe stomach, side, or back pain; significant weight loss; speech problems; stupor; suicidal thoughts or actions; tremor; trouble thinking, concentrating, or remembering things; trouble walking; unexplained fever; unusual bruising or bleeding; unusual eye movements; unusual tiredness.