Nice to meet you,“ said Santa “I am Santa Claus and this is my good buddy Jesus.
How long have you been buried in that dirt?” Santa asked.
Dirt?“ Dubya asked and then started laughing. “Dirt? Dirt? I wish! That there was shit man,” Dubya said all the while laughing deep from the belly like most Texans do.
What were you dong buried in shit?“ both Santa and Jesus asked simultaneously.
Well I was really upset because I was about to cause a depression. The only problem is that I have never been in deep shit before. Daddy always took care of everything for me. Imagining what it would be like when I was taken here, to the land of Zo. Boy was I stupid though. I pictured the wrong thing.
While I was exercising
I realized I was plain
I would know who was Lincoln
On the economy Id be thinking
If I only had a brain
Would like to know
What is two plus three?
It would really really really interest me
To know if wood
Were made of trees
I would be described as stately
And would not rely on Cheney
I would really feel your pain
If I only had a brain
Santa and Jesus both looked at each other and nodded at the same time. Jesus made a sweeping gesture with his hand as if to tell Santa to take the lead. Santa looked up at this poor idiot and told him that he could gladly join them on their way to the Lower East Side to see the Yid with the Magical Lid. Bush agreed and they were on their way. After they had walked for a few minutes Santa had the feeling that something was wrong. He couldn’t quite place it and so he kept walking. Suddenly Jesus turned to his friend and said
Hey didn’t we forget your retarded friend?” Before Santa could answer, Dubya replied
Na, I’m right here.”
Santa slapped him on the side of his head and said, “Not you, moron. Timmy.” And took off in the direction of the fallen elf. About an hour later Santa was wheeling Timmy towards where Jesus and Dubya were sitting having a conversation.
You mean to tell me that you declared a Jesus day?“ he was asking Dubya all the time rolling his eyes in disgust. Santa interrupted them and said “ We have to get going. The sun is almost down and we must get to the Lower East Side. And so Santa, Jesus, and George W Bush held hands and skipped down the Urine Stained road to find the help that they needed to continue their lives with Timmy trying to keep up in his wheel chair.
Were off to see the great Yid
The one with the magical lid
Because because because because
Because of the wonderful things that he did
The sun was indeed going down and Timmy’s arms were getting tired. Dubya had tried to offer them some sort of white magic powder that he said would help them keep walking, but Santa thought that is was not a good idea. And so they decided to stop for the night in a beautiful field of mushrooms. When they had made camp using Timmy’s wheel chair as the prop for their tent Santa went outside to collect some food for dinner. The mushrooms were aplenty and Santa remembered from his days in the boy scouts how to identify the poisonous ones. Santa picked about a pound of mushrooms and was surprised that no matter how many he picked they kept growing back. These must be magic mushrooms Santa thought and just laughed at that ridiculous notion. When he got back to the tent he divvied them up, giving a quarter pound of mushrooms to each, Jesus, Dubya, Timmy and himself. They started eating and decided that they should try to get some sleep as they had a lot of traveling to do the next day if they ever wanted to see the Yid With the Magical Lid. After about forty minutes Jesus jolted out of bed and started screaming.
“ I am a tea cup. I am a teacup. Look at me I’m full of tea.” Santa heard this and immediately grabbed Jesus by the arm and tried to lift him up.
Bush looked over and said.” Hey what are you doing?”
Santa just looked at him and said “Can’t you see that I’m trying to pour some tea.” “ You’re crazy” Dubya replied “ Where are you going to put the tea? You don’t have a cup.”
And so they started arguing. The arguing turned into a fight. After a few minutes of mass pandemonium, the tent came apart exposing them to a brilliant sky filled with millions of bright glimmering stars. All around them were cornfields, which towered over them. The field stretched out in every direction, except at one end where they could make out the shape of a baseball diamond. Santa, Jesus and Dubya made their way over.
Ya know, I used to own a baseball team. I remember when me, daddy and Jeb would play catch when I was younger,” he said. Jesus started to cry and said that he never could play catch as a child because he had no father.
Santa just looked at them and said “ Play ball.” They found a bat lying against home plate and a ball, which was lying next to it. When they looked carefully they saw that there was no first base. Santa proclaimed,”We can’t play. There is no first base.” Jesus then announced that he had an idea and went back in the direction of the tent. When he returned he had Timmy in his hands.
Here is our base “ Jesus said to the group. “ You don’t mind do you Timmy” Jesus asked as he looked into the retarded elves’ eyes which were now glazed over and had pupils the size of hockey pucks.
Go ahead,” said the elf, but he didn’t really know what he was doing any way. They had placed the boy where first base should be and were about to start playing when out of the sky started falling little yellow circles with tiny hearts cut out of their middle. “Sleep my pretties,” Madonna could be heard saying as they all started to get droopy eyed. “ I love you guy,.” Dubya said to everyone and then fell deep asleep. “ Tomorrow we’ll get to see the Yid with the Magical Lid. I promise,” Santa said to Jesus as he fell asleep in his arms. Timmy could not say anything as he was lying face down in a mound of dirt.
When they awoke the next morning they felt refreshed. Dubya went over and picked Timmy up and the four of them made it back to the Urine Stained Road to try to get to the Lower East Side of Zo. The sun was shining and the birds were chirping as they made their way down the windy path that was the Urine Stained Road. When they next got tired they decided to sit down in the shade and take a load off their feet. When they sat down they found a bunch of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that were left there with a note. Enjoy the sandwiches you guys are almost there. Love Madonna.
“ She’s such a nice bitch,” said Santa. Everyone agreed and they started eating. When they were done Jesus went over to throw away the trash and that’s when he saw him. A man was just standing in the shade with his head in his hands He was dressed in a white and gray tunic and had a long, gray, beard. In his hand was a large staff.
Jesus?” the man said when he realized he was being watched. “ Is that you? Holy shit it is, you son of a bitch what are you doing here? “ The man said and before he could finish his sentence Jesus yelled,
Moses how the fuck are you? Its been how long now? Santa come here and see who I found.” Santa came running and gave Moses the biggest bear hug ever.
Man it’s been a long time, why I haven’t seen you since your son’s bar mitzvah. How is little Yankel doing? Santa asked.
Can’t complain “ replied Moses. “ He’s an accountant now.”
So what are you doing here? “Santa asked him. “ Well I’ll tell ya, “ came the reply:
In the desert I was walking
To g-d I have been talking
Yet, my life seems so bland
I would really crack a smile
Wouldn’t walk another mile
If I only had a land
“ Why don’t you come with us to see the great Yid With the Magical Lid” Santa asked Moses.
“ Yeah, he’ll solve your problems,” chimed in Jesus.
Well Ok said Moses and the five of them started to walk.
Finally after six more hours of walking and wheeling non-stop they saw the most beautiful sight any of them had ever seen. The sight of it made even Dubya cry. At the horizon stood the largest and most outlandish delicatessen that any of them had ever witnessed. Its window’s were enormous each one of them stretching for a city block. Through them they could see all kinds of meats hanging and dangling from large wrought iron hooks. The doors that led into the place were one hundred feet tall and had handles made out of solid gold with diamonds set into each one. The Red Neon Lights almost screamed the name of the place at the travelers. The Lower East Side Deli.
“ This must be it “ Santa yelled and started running towards its doors. The others followed behind him, but none could match the speed that Timmy gathered while in his wheel chair. He was going so fast and was aided by the momentum of the downward slope of the road. He easily overtook the fat Santa Claus and has whooping excitedly when he crashed into a window sending salami and pastrami in every direction. Jesus, Santa, Moses and Dubya all stopped in their tracks and began to get nervous. Surely the great Yid with the Magical Lid would find out. And surely he would be mad at them. The four of them started to cry when a small man looking at them from behind the counter interrupted them. He wasn’t a tall man actually he was very short they noticed. He was dressed all in black and on his head he had a hat. His face was adorned with a gray beard and wire rimmed glasses. All they could really stare at was the man’s nose though. It was huge and had a big bump going over its center.
Well what are you waiting for? Come on in,” the man beckoned to them. “ Oy, you guys look so thin. You must not have eaten in days. Come sit and eat with me.”
“ Are you the Yid with the Magical Lid?” Dubya asked and the others just stared at him like he was truly stupid.
“ Why yes I am. Come sit down join me for some gefilte fish and Manoshevitz and I will tell you my story.” They all walked over to a large table that was adorned with every food imaginable. Fresh bread, plump fruit, and a huge assortment of fish and meat were all available to them.
This sure beats my Last Supper.” Jesus said to himself and they all sat down.