The Yid With the Magical Lid (Part 2)

When Santa woke up he had a headache.

He noted that he was sweating profusely. When he opened his eyes Santa got the shock of his life. Expecting to see snow all around Santa, instead, got a magical display of colors shining in the glistening sunlight. Gone was the cold. It was about eighty degrees outside and trees bloomed everywhere. Surrounding him in every direction were houses that were painted in outrageous colors and patterns. This place did not resemble anything that he had ever seen before in his life. The scenery was bursting with so many colors that it almost came alive. As Santa started to roll his body over in order to get up he noticed that underneath him lay a lady. She was mashed into the ground, probably by the sheer force of his body weight. The woman was dressed in a beautiful black pantsuit. She had pretty features, Santa thought and he wondered if she was still alive. Well, shit happens, Santa thought as he got up and brushed himself off. Suddenly Santa had to hold his hand up to his ears. The sound of metal scraping on metal pierced the air. Santa turned his body around to see where the noise was coming from but was suddenly blinded by the glare, which hurt his eyes. When his vision finally adjusted Santa saw a sea of shiny silver wheelchairs. In the chairs sat little green people. Santa wondered if they were elves. Then he caught sight of something that disturbed him. All of these people had no legs. Just as he was about to speak, the wheelchairs parted to allow a man with a golden wheel chair to wheel himself down an aisle.

“Welcome to the land of the amputee elves” the man, said. We are in debt to you forever. As Santa was about to speak a huge cloud of smoke appeared before him and the crowd. As the smoke slowly dissipated a figure emerged in front of them.

“Who are you?” Santa asked in amazement. The lady who stood before him was dressed elegantly in a short, white, mini skirt. She had a shirt on which exposed her beautiful navel and taut stomach. On the shirt were stitched the words “snatch” in jewels that glistened in the sunlight.

“I am Madonna, and I am the good bitch of the west.” She replied.

“You mean witch?” Santa asked with confusion.

“But how can there be a good Bitch?” Santa asked. Madonna just laughed at his question and chalked it up to Santa’s naivete.

“I am here to thank you for killing Kathy Lee, the wicked bitch of the east.” She said. And with that the amputee elves burst into song.

Yes, sir the bitch is dead

Which old bitch?

The wicked bitch

Yes sir the wicked bitch is dead

Santa just stared as the elves were making their wheel chairs move to the music. There were chairs flying across the sky propelled by the elves off of ramps. There were

Elves doing three sixties and even other elves popping wheelies and making it appear as if they could dance. Santa couldn’t help but notice a young elf sitting in his chair under a tree in the corner. The boy was crying and the tears streamed down the kid’s face over his torso and collected in a puddle where his legs should have been. Santa wanted to approach the boy and dry his tears before the kid’s stumps got soaked, but was stopped by the bitch on his way.

“Pay no attention to him,“ she said. “That’s Timmy and he’s retarded,’ she continued. “ We have more pressing issues to discuss. I am officially crowning you king of Zo. You have saved us from that wicked bitch Kathy Lee and now you shall be rewarded for it” Madonna continued.

” Bitch, I am sorry,“ Santa spoke “I cannot be ruler of this kingdom as I am naïve. I thought that children existed until today and I am forty three years old.”

Madonna just laughed at this thought and said; “I know some one who can help you. He is a great man and he does many good things for people. He even donated all of the money for these fine wheelchairs that everyone has. “

“Who is this great man?” Santa asked in awe. “It’s the Yid, The Yid with the magical lid.” Was her reply. “The Yid with the magical lid?” If I may ask my good bitch, who is that?”

“You’ll find out soon enough” was the bitch’s reply and with that she was gone. Santa looked around and asked the elf in the gold wheel chair where he could find this Yid.

“Oh, its easy,“ came the reply, he lives in his palace on the Lower East Side of Zo. His powers are great and he can definitely help you.”

“Great,” Santa replied, “how do I get there?” A hush came over the crowd and just as quick as it grew silent, the elves started chanting in hushed voices. They slowly raised their voices until Santa could hear what they were saying. By that time they had all turned their wheelchairs east in perfect formation and started in a procession. To where Santa could not guess, but he dutifully followed them all the while listening to their chant

Follow the urine, stained, road

Follow the urine, stained, road

When the line of wheelchairs had stopped moving Santa could see a path that was glistening in yellow bliss. It appeared as if this path had been once white but now it sparkled with urine. The urine had turned the road a beautiful shade of yellow and in the bright sunlight it came alive.

“You must follow this road to the end.” The elf said. “There you will find the great Yid with the magical lid. As a gesture for killing the great, wicked, bitch we will allow you too take one of us with you as a guide.” Santa looked around and saw all of the eager faces. He wanted to choose the man in the gold wheel chair but at the last minute he saw the retarded elf crying under a tree and so he loudly proclaimed, “I pick Timmy!” A hush fell over the crowd. Timmy who had just heard his name called looked up at Santa with big wet eyes. He wiped the drool off his chin and with all the courage he could muster Timmy spoke, “you want me do come with you? “ I would love to.” The other elves tried to talk Santa out of it, but he was determined. So after saying their goodbyes Santa started walking down the urine, stained, road with Timmy the retarded elf slowly wheeling himself at his side. When the others were out of sight, Santa started humming to himself; it was not long before he had broken out into a full-fledged song.

Were off to see the great Yid

The one with the magical lid

Because because because because

Because of the wonderful things that he did

The Urine Stained Road seemed to drag on forever thought Santa. In actuality they had only been walking for a few hours. Santa was trying to admire the scenery as he walked. He had tried a brisk pace but slowly realized that Timmy just could not keep up with him. So as he slowly moseyed down the road Santa was able to soak up the breathtaking sights. The sky was a wonderful shade of powder blue and the sun was a brilliant yellow. Flowers surrounded the road from all sides and they had such beautiful looking petals. All of a sudden Santa was disturbed from his trance like state by Timmy who asked to go to the bathroom. Santa couldn’t believe this. He had to unstrap the little elf and hold him up as he took a leak. He was going to let Timmy go to the bathroom on the road, but he wasn’t exactly sure if the Urine Stained Road was named accurately. So holding Timmy up under each shoulder Santa walked him over to the side of the road and into the bushes.

Past the many rows of flowers grew a huge tree. It was something Santa had never seen before in his life. The tree was huge maybe fifty feet in diameter. Its branches were thick and were covered in lush green leaves. Timmy started to do his business when he accidentally got some on Santa’s shoe. Santa wanted to drop him right away but took pity on the fact that Timmy was retarded and had no legs.

“Jesus Christ!” Santa yelled out loud hoping Timmy would sense his disappointment. Santa then heard a whisper from the other side of the tree.

“Did someone call me? “ Santa heard.

“Who is there?“ Santa yelled out. “Identify yourself. “

“It is I Jesus Christ. I swear someone called my name,” came the voice from the other side of the tree.

“Jesus, it’s me, Santa. What are you doing here?” Santa asked and with a rush of excitement he dropped Timmy into a pile of his own urine and ran around the tree to meet his friend.

” I don’t know why I’m here,” came the reply. “I was sitting at home all depressed about my father and suddenly I just appeared.”

“About your father?“ asked Santa. I thought that your father was G-d and your mother is a virgin. That’s not a bad set of parents you know. “Santa continued.

“Its not that my parents are bad per se… here, maybe this will better explain it,“ and with that he broke into song,

I would while away the hours

Playing with my powers

But I just feel so sad

I could solve every issue

I could just come in and bless you

If I only knew my dad

Wow, Santa thought. He never realized just how many problems Jesus had.

“I know what. “ Santa declared. I am going to the Lower East Side to find the great Yid with the Magical Lid. Why don’t you come with me? “Santa asked his friend.  “The Yid with the Magical Lid?” Jesus asked astonished. “Who is that and how did you hear of him? “ Jesus inquired.

“Some nice bitch I met told me. Any way it doesn’t matter. Would you like to come?” Santa asked, and smiled warmly towards his buddy.

“Why not?“ Jesus said and outstretched his arm to Santa. Just then they both heard Timmy yelling from the other side of the tree.

“Help me; I am drowning in my own piss. Help me! “Jesus gave Santa a look and Santa just told him that he would explain later. When they got to Timmy he was indeed face down gargling his own fluids. They picked him up and put him in the wheel chair.

“Timmy, meet Jesus. Jesus meet Timmy.” Santa said and leaned over to Jesus and said “ ehay isay etardedray”. Jesus looked at Timmy and put out his hand for Timmy to shake. “Pleasure to meet you Timmy.“ Jesus said as he shook Timmy’s hand. “Nice to meet you too Jebus,“ Timmy said with a satisfied smile on his face.

And so Santa, Jesus and Timmy started on the way down the Urine Stained Road to find the great Yid with the Magical Lid who would solve all of their problems. They were so happy in fact that they started singing

Were off to see the great Yid

The one with the magical lid

Because because because because

Because of the wonderful things that he did

As they continued down the road they got to a crossroad. “Fuck! Which way will we go now?“ said Jesus as he stopped in his tracks. Santa also stopped suddenly, but Timmy who had quite a coast going couldn’t stop and crashed into some bushes. Santa and Jesus rushed to pick him up, and when they picked up his body they saw a foot sticking out from the Bush.

“Did you see that?“ asked Jesus. Santa did indeed see the foot and so he once again dropped Timmy on his head and walked over to help his friend. The foot was attached to a body they assumed but it was buried under a mound of dirt. When they had uncovered all of the dirt they were able to see that this man was dressed up as a cowboy. He had black and white wing tipped, snake skin boots, black Lee jeans on and a white shirt, which was embroidered with blue stitching. Around his neck he had a bolo tie which was fastened tastefully with a silver clasp. And on his head he wore a giant cowboy hat. It was so big that it made Garth Brook’s look like a baseball hat in comparison. On the man’s face was the most stupid looking smirk that both Santa and Jesus had ever seen.

“Pleasure to meet you,” the man said scaring the crap out of the two. He got up dusted off his shirt and stuck out his hand. “I’m George W Bush,“ the man continued. “But you can call me Dubya, all my friends do.”

Stay Tuned for Part 3 of the Yid with the Magical Lid! (tomorrow)

Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays

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