When Big Dogs Die Young

Just like Shaq, I will die by the age of 60.

I went to the doctor today for a checkup.

This is a new doctor, one not named Kevorkian and one that I didn’t find on the internet.

The guy I saw today is Jewish, works out of a hospital and has an office with real medical equipment.

I was actually excited to hear what he has to say.

When I was called to the back, the doctor had me sit down in an office.

It was actually a pretty impressive office and the view of Los Angeles that he has made me think that this guy was a good doctor.

While he was looking at my blood work he was making comments like, “ow you are gonna keep me in business” and “you smoked for how long?”

I loved that he was real blunt with me and when I told him I had an issue urinating, (the correct medical term) he replied with, “how long you been having trouble pissing?”

He then told me that I am 100 pounds over weight.

I looked at him like he was on crack.

I mean I know that I could lose 60 pounds, since I’ve gained 30 pounds in the past year, but he wants me to go below 200 pounds.

That is just crazy.

Anyway, I am not sure how this happened, but I stared comparing myself to C.C. Sabathia, since he is 290 pounds, and the doctor called him a fat ass.

I countered the doctor by telling him that C.C. Sabathia was in good shape and the doctor told me that he is in good baseball shape.

That is when I told him that I am very much like C.C. Sabathia since I am one of those fat guys who is very active.

I recounted stories from my youth where I would play football with friends and they had trouble tackling me.

That’s when the doctor dropped the bomb.

He told me that he used to be the team doctor for the Oakland Raiders and that the average age for the bigger football players is 58 years old.

I asked him if it was from brain damage and he told me that these guys are so big that their heart can’t handle it.

Then he asked me if I ever met Shaq.

I told him no, and he told me that Shaq is a giant.

He then told me that he used to treat Wilt Chamberlain (who died at the age of 62)

Then things got depressing.

The doctor told me that Big Dogs die young.

He said it was the small dogs that live long lives.

He told me that my heart has already beaten one billion times in my life and that there is a certain amount of beats left.

He said that my heart was working overtime.

Then he said to think of all the old people I knew.

I did.

Then he said that there were no fat old people.

They are all skinny and gaunt.


He was right, I actually don’t know any fat 80 year olds.

I can’t even think of a fat 70 year old.

Now I am worried.

However, there is one person who should be more worried than me.


I wonder if he knows that he is going to die young?

Rest in peace Big Dog.

Pretzel Dog

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