I Might be Gay Racist and Sexist
Before you get nervous and think that I am switching teams, don’t worry, I’m not.
I am definitely still HOT and believe it or not, other people seem to think so.
Yup, I was recently named the “Hottest Guy on Facebook,” by well, me. (but who’s counting)
Anyway, the reason for the title of this post is that a few things happened today that made me feel this way.
See, Shorty went away for a week and is coming back Friday night.
I had promised her that I would return a few things to Walmart, so of course I waited till the last minute and at 1:30 am headed over to make the returns.
Let’s rewind for a second.
I was online today and came across the most addicting song ever.
It’s called “smell yo dick,” (see the video below) and it is not only hysterical, but also the catchiest song ever made.
In fact, it was stuck in my head to the point where I made my Facebook status say, “somethings going on, can I smell yo dick?”
It was only after I posted that that I realized that straight people don’t say stuff like that.
[flv:http://dailysexycomedy.net/videos/Smell_Yo_Dick.flv 384 216]
Then I started laughing at the fact that maybe I’ll start acting really shady so when Shorty comes home, she will think something is up, and it might prompt her to say that to me.
However, Shorty is an educated Jewish girl from LA so I doubt that she would even think about saying that to me.
So, I go to Walmart like I said.
First thing I learned was that Walmart is always busy.
The second thing I learned was that you can’t return things at 1:30 Am even though they are open 24 hours a day.
Anyway, while I was there, I went over to the cleaning isle to get some carpet cleaning foam.
As I debated buying he generic or name brand, I saw this new product.
I am a sucker for advertising and this product was exactly what I was looking for.
It was a cross between carpet foam and carpet powder.
It was also 6 bucks, but there was a coupon on it that said, “try me free,” and if I send in the coupon I’ll get my 6 bucks back.
(Basically, I spent 6 dollars, since I’m never sending it in)
Anyway, after I put the stuff in may cart, I remembered that our vacuum cleaner doesn’t work.
Shorty swears that I don’t know how to use it, but I think that it’s just busted.
So, I headed over to the vacuum cleaner section.
Here is where I got into trouble, not wanting to seem sexist by asking a woman which vacuum to buy, I asked the guy from hardware if he could help me out.
I wanted to know if I should buy a bagless vacuum or if a bag was better.
It seems that this guy was ex military and also an idiot and he started rambling for 20 minutes on the fact that he has a 20 year old vacuum and that they don’t make them like they used to.
I tried to get away from him, and went over to this huge display that hey had for Hoover, “platinum collection” vacuums.
They were 400 dollars and as I was seriously considering it, some guy came u to me and started telling me unsolicited that Hoover is a ripoff and all you are doing is paying for the brand name.
Then the ex military guy came back and we got into a spirited discussion on the advantages of bags vs bagless.
Finally they walked away.
I was alone in the isle trying to make my decision when I started singing the refrain from the “smell yo dick” song.
Right at that moment, I looked up to see a nice Mexican lady looking at me like I was crazy.
I mean it’s 2 am, I have a cart with carpet powered, carpet foam and a straw broom and I’m singing about smelling another dudes junk.
This lady actually worked for Walmart in the vacuum department and asked if she could help me.
First of all, if they are staffing the vacuum dept at 2am, why can’t they staff the return counter?
Anyway, I started asking her what she thought and she gave me three options.
One was 70 dollars, one was 80 dollars and one was 130 dollars.
She claimed that they were all good and there were not too many returns on them.
So, I asked her, very innocently, this exact question.
“Let’s say that you were starting a maid service and I gave you 150 dollars to buy a vacuum, which one would you buy, since your income depended on it?”
She looked at me like I was the devil.
Anyway, I settled on a Bissell, that was supposed to be special for Pets, because it had a brush on it.
As I left Walmart, I made another boneheaded move.
I texted Shorty and told her I bought her a present.
Seriously, I am an idiot.
Finally, I am glad to say that after I got home, applied the powder and the foam and vacuumed, my Bissell vacuum cleaner with Cyclone Wind technology did an awesome job.